Slow toy week guys, my camera is busted and while I fix it I've been painting and writing, but sadly, not about toys.
I almost skipped this week's topic of the League.
The title was "Michael Bay makes everything better" but that must have been a typo since Michael Bay is a horrible director that, in my humble opinion, should be condemned for crimes against humanity.
Yes, I believe that Armageddon and Transformers II are no more than acts of war that violate the most basic human rights. And that Michael Bay shouldn't be allowed to even go near a camera.
But these guys express my opinions in ways I can't:
So, no, I can't possibly imagine a movie that would be better with Michael Bay behind the wheel.
But then, because I'm such an awesome guy and really like to give second (or in MB case eleventh) chances, I started to think. I had to undo MB movies into their most basic characteristics:
Using actors as objects?
And for the ladies...
Ew... I mean... Check!
Absolutely no plot?
Do I even have to check it? Check!
Excruciating bad acting?
Oh my God! Check!
So, what kind of movie involves weird close-ups, bad acting, no plot, bodily fluids and treats actors like objects?
Of course! Porn!
But then, Michael Bay does have one more thing going for him, right? Guns and explosions. So he would need a war porn movie? Is that even a thing?
Apparently yes, yes it is. Google says that this is a porn parody of Apocalypse Now. And is also the only film Michael Bay would improve if he directed it.
See, instead of taking him out the back and shooting him in the head, like he did with Transformers, I'm giving him a job. That's because I'm generous...
Until next time!