Sunday, March 4, 2012

League business: Bad(ass) to the bone

This week the League asked to choose the greatest badass in TV and movie history choosing from 16 candidates.

Here's how the tournament goes:

Sitting in his throne, Conan declares Mortal Kombat to find a worthy oponent.

First Match: John McClane vs. Bruce Lee.
Bruce gets some nice footwork and a couple of nice punches, but then he gets confused by the fact that he's the only non-fictional character of the list. John McClane uses his confusion to shot him in the head.

Yippi ki yay indeed.

Second Match: John Rambo Vs. Dirty Harry
John Rambo has trainig, a history of helping the Taliban and a lot of arrows, he's also some dude's worst nightmare. But he felt lucky, and he was kind of a punk, and in the middle of a war flashback Harry takes him down.

Third Match: Col. James Braddock Vs. Jason Bourne.
Well... Jason Bourne is Matt Damon:

And Col. James Braddock is Chuck Norris... He wins! Why? Because he says so, that's why!

Fourth Match: Snake Plissken Vs. Frank Martin.
Frank drives fast cars and likes to pour oil on himself to have half-naked fights with henchmen. Snake Plissken brought the entire future world to his knees by punching a code that fucked everything up. Plus I don't own a Frank Martin action figure, but I do have this:

He wins.

Fifth Match: James Bond Vs. John Connor.
When I picture James Bond I see this:

And when I imagine John Connor I see this:

James Bond wins!

Sixth Match: Indiana Jones Vs. Dominic Toretto.
No doubt about it. Indiana Jones wins. If he can beat a tank, a whole sect and all the Nazis in Germany he can beat Vin Diessel.

Seventh Match: Rocky Balboa Vs. Martin Riggs
If it was Mad Max, then, maybe he would have had a chance, but Martin Riggs can't beat the guy that kick both Ivan Drago and Mr. T's asses.

Eighth Match: Ash Vs. Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer needs 24 hours to do what Ash does in a couple of minutes. He's a wuss. Plus, Ash has a chainsaw hand and as for fire power, "This is my boom stick!".

Second Round.
First Match: John McClane Vs. Dirty Harry.
John has a headache and his luck is running out. Harry has a really really really...

Really really really big gun. And Die Hard 4 sucked. Harry wins.

Second Match:
Snake Plissken Vs. Chuck Norris... James Bradock.
Sorry, but being Chuck Norris only takes you so far. Snake has the technology and the badass look. Snake wins the fight.

Third Match: James Bond Vs. Indiana Jones.
Well, James Bond, probably with a top secret 60s time machine went back in time and had a son, and that son was Indiana Jones.

As Sean Connery said when preparing for the role, "he's his father, he did it first, he did it better". James Bond wins.

Fourth Match: Ash Vs. Rocky Balboa.
Rocky has a nice reach but, and I can't say this enough, CHAINSAW FUCKING HAND. Ash takes the cake. Groovy!

Semi Finals:
Dirty Harry Vs. Snake Plissken
They are both really cool. But Snake killed Chef from South Park in the first movie. He wins by an eye-patch.

Ash Vs. James Bond
Shaken, probably, but no stirred. James Bond has the upper hand, but Ash is crazy and is really hard to kill. Facing demons with your own face and skeletal warriors is way harder than dealing with guys that throw their hats. Oddjob? More like Handjob. Ash wins.

Final Match:
Ash Vs. Snake
This is hard, I own action figures of both of them. But while Snake fucked up the future, Ash fucked up the past, the present AND the future. He's the king. Hail to the King, baby.

After the battles were over. Conan said something stupid about the lamentations of the women. Ash laughed and then quickly shut up, because Ash realized that Conan was human, spawned a sequel and there's no bigger badass than him.

Yes, so I cheated. Sue me.


jboypacman said...

lol good one Tom!

Highskull´76 said...

Great entertainment. Thanks!

Reis O'Brien said...


Tom Freak said...

Pacman: Thanks.

Highskull: No, thank you!

Reis: YEAH! to you.