Only in Argentina: In Soviet Russia, Infinity beyonds you!

I have no idea what the Hell is this, but I thought it was too funny not to share.

I proudly present the first commander of the Space KGB!

The Cossack of the Cosmos!

The Socialist of Space!

Buzz Lightyearovich!

Your guess is as good as mine... Really...

Until next time!

League Business: Michael Bay f*cks everything up

Slow toy week guys, my camera is busted and while I fix it I've been painting and writing, but sadly, not about toys.

I almost skipped this week's topic of the League.

The title was "Michael Bay makes everything better" but that must have been a typo since Michael Bay is a horrible director that, in my humble opinion, should be condemned for crimes against humanity.

Yes, I believe that Armageddon and Transformers II are no more than acts of war that violate the most basic human rights. And that Michael Bay shouldn't be allowed to even go near a camera.

But these guys express my opinions in ways I can't:

So, no, I can't possibly imagine a movie that would be better with Michael Bay behind the wheel.

But then, because I'm such an awesome guy and really like to give second (or in MB case eleventh) chances, I started to think. I had to undo MB movies into their most basic characteristics:

Weird Close-ups?

Check!

Using actors as objects?

And for the ladies...

 Check!

Bodily fluids?

Ew... I mean... Check!

Absolutely no plot?

Do I even have to check it? Check!

Excruciating bad acting?

Oh my God! Check!

So, what kind of movie involves weird close-ups, bad acting, no plot, bodily fluids and treats actors like objects?

Of course! Porn!

But then, Michael Bay does have one more thing going for him, right? Guns and explosions. So he would need a war porn movie? Is that even a thing?

Apparently yes, yes it is. Google says that this is a porn parody of Apocalypse Now. And is also the only film Michael Bay would improve if he directed it.

See, instead of taking him out the back and shooting him in the head, like he did with Transformers, I'm giving him a job. That's because I'm generous...

Until next time!

League Business: End of the world buddy

This week's topic: What TV or film character would you like to have at your side during a zombie apocalypse.

Hmm... Let's see...

Nah... Too easy.

OK, since Brian never stated that we had to pick a human I feel an inclination to choose this guy:

The T-800 Terminator is perfect for the job, he doesn't need sleep or food, he can use any kind of weapon and crush zombies with his bare hands while saying stuff like "Hasta la vista, zombie". How cool is that?

But then I felt I was cheating, and, for the first time in my life, decided to look a this issue from a logical point of view.

After many days of pondering, I found out my perfect companion for the zombie apocalypse:

Seth, from Superbad. Now, let me explain. In a zombie apocalypse when you are outnumbered a bazillion to one, you can't really count on silent-ninja-commando-acrobats, one-liner-tobacco-chewing-state-governors or Machine-gun-stepping-strippers, you can only trust in yourself. And because of that, a zombie apocalypse scenario will almost always end in tears.

Well I know myself, I'm a pretty solid guy and, with some luck, I probably can take out a zombie or two before start screaming like a little girl. Then, as Monty Python would say it, you'll have to run away. And the zombies always chase you.

As I said, I'm a solid guy, but not particularly fast. That's why I chose Seth. I know I can outrun Seth.

Check the other members (cup-half-full) picks.

Until next time.

Futu-rant

I got most of my data wrong...

The actual name of the line is Futurama Tineez and the Destructor is not even for sale yet. I still want it, but now I'm kinda glad I didn't preorder it almost a year ago!

League Business: My Blockbuster

This week's assignment, if you were a big time Hollywood producer, what Blockbuster would you put your money into.

As you would expect, I chose a geeky one.

A comic based movie with my favorite dynamic duo:

That's right! Blue Beetle and Booster Gold.

This is a project I often talked about with a friend. He says the time for this movie and the people I want to cast in it has passed. I say there's still time.

Of course this is not going to be a super-hero action film, oh, is going to have action of course, but it's also a comedy, and a buddy movie. After all, stuff like this happened in the comics all the time:

(Before Ted's death that is...)

So, we have a blonde guy and shorter dark haired guy, who are friends and also funny... I have seen people like that somewh... Oh, wait...

Yeah, they might be a bit older now, but this movie doesn't really need them to be young. And as bad as Starsky and Hutch was, you know how funny they can be when they are funny.

As writers of the movie (I won't do it this time, I'm the producer, dammit!) I'd call Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis. The guys responsible for me loving this pair of losers/comedians/heroes. And Ben Stiller himself, to help translate the story into cinematic form.

As director I would call Gore Verbinski. Why? Because he directed Pirates of the Caribbean, so I know he can handle adventure and special effects, but he also directed Mouse Hunt, so you know he can do comedy too.

I really want to see this movie. What do you say Booster?

Couldn't have said it better.

Tom Freak's Crappy Customs: OMFG edition

Today I took a perfectly fine and innocent Multiskull and turned it into an abomination!

Inspiration came to me when Monsterforge (te guy who sculpted Multiskull and also the guy I should apologize to) mentioned the movie Reefer Madness in the October toys forum.

And I did this. I call it

High Skull!

Before:

After:

(Sorry Charles!)

League business: Bad(ass) to the bone

This week the League asked to choose the greatest badass in TV and movie history choosing from 16 candidates.

Here's how the tournament goes:

Sitting in his throne, Conan declares Mortal Kombat to find a worthy oponent.

First Match: John McClane vs. Bruce Lee.
Bruce gets some nice footwork and a couple of nice punches, but then he gets confused by the fact that he's the only non-fictional character of the list. John McClane uses his confusion to shot him in the head.

Yippi ki yay indeed.

Second Match: John Rambo Vs. Dirty Harry
John Rambo has trainig, a history of helping the Taliban and a lot of arrows, he's also some dude's worst nightmare. But he felt lucky, and he was kind of a punk, and in the middle of a war flashback Harry takes him down.

Third Match: Col. James Braddock Vs. Jason Bourne.
Well... Jason Bourne is Matt Damon:

And Col. James Braddock is Chuck Norris... He wins! Why? Because he says so, that's why!

Fourth Match: Snake Plissken Vs. Frank Martin.
Frank drives fast cars and likes to pour oil on himself to have half-naked fights with henchmen. Snake Plissken brought the entire future world to his knees by punching a code that fucked everything up. Plus I don't own a Frank Martin action figure, but I do have this:

He wins.

Fifth Match: James Bond Vs. John Connor.
When I picture James Bond I see this:

And when I imagine John Connor I see this:

James Bond wins!

Sixth Match: Indiana Jones Vs. Dominic Toretto.
No doubt about it. Indiana Jones wins. If he can beat a tank, a whole sect and all the Nazis in Germany he can beat Vin Diessel.

Seventh Match: Rocky Balboa Vs. Martin Riggs
If it was Mad Max, then, maybe he would have had a chance, but Martin Riggs can't beat the guy that kick both Ivan Drago and Mr. T's asses.

Eighth Match: Ash Vs. Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer needs 24 hours to do what Ash does in a couple of minutes. He's a wuss. Plus, Ash has a chainsaw hand and as for fire power, "This is my boom stick!".

Second Round.
First Match: John McClane Vs. Dirty Harry.
John has a headache and his luck is running out. Harry has a really really really...

Really really really big gun. And Die Hard 4 sucked. Harry wins.

Second Match:
Snake Plissken Vs. Chuck Norris... James Bradock.
Sorry, but being Chuck Norris only takes you so far. Snake has the technology and the badass look. Snake wins the fight.

Third Match: James Bond Vs. Indiana Jones.
Well, James Bond, probably with a top secret 60s time machine went back in time and had a son, and that son was Indiana Jones.

As Sean Connery said when preparing for the role, "he's his father, he did it first, he did it better". James Bond wins.

Fourth Match: Ash Vs. Rocky Balboa.
Rocky has a nice reach but, and I can't say this enough, CHAINSAW FUCKING HAND. Ash takes the cake. Groovy!

Semi Finals:
Dirty Harry Vs. Snake Plissken
They are both really cool. But Snake killed Chef from South Park in the first movie. He wins by an eye-patch.

Ash Vs. James Bond
Shaken, probably, but no stirred. James Bond has the upper hand, but Ash is crazy and is really hard to kill. Facing demons with your own face and skeletal warriors is way harder than dealing with guys that throw their hats. Oddjob? More like Handjob. Ash wins.

Final Match:
Ash Vs. Snake
This is hard, I own action figures of both of them. But while Snake fucked up the future, Ash fucked up the past, the present AND the future. He's the king. Hail to the King, baby.

After the battles were over. Conan said something stupid about the lamentations of the women. Ash laughed and then quickly shut up, because Ash realized that Conan was human, spawned a sequel and there's no bigger badass than him.

Yes, so I cheated. Sue me.

Podcasts killed the radio star!

Some of the awesome guys at the Action Figure Blues Forum are doing an amazing job with their weekly toy related podcast. It's very funny, informative and since they are from Australia you can laugh at their funny accents and giant spiders. 

They only uploaded three episodes so far so if you start now you should catch up in no time. It's great for buses, subways, planes, long drives, to avoid your nagging family and to escape the real world. Oh, and also it's free! Need I say more?

So, go here, download and listen, and don't do it just because they said I could win free toys if I pimped the podcast, no, do it because it's great fun.

And while you download the first episode, listen to this and remember the time you could actually see music videos on MTV.

I'm a Liar! (so, what?)

League Business: Never say die!

Goonies. Where are they now?

The third weekly assignment of the League was to propose a sequel to an 80s or 90s movie with kids. I probably chose the obvious one: The Goonies. Why? Most of the other movies I wanted to write about already had sequels (That Figures took care of that), I can't stand Tom Cruise, so Michael May can keep him, and the other one I wanted, Labyrinth, was already done by Christopher Tupa, so I went with the one he originally wanted: Goonies.

Here's the sequel I thought of, done today, with less innocence and a bit more cynicism, and probably directed by Guy Ritchie. The title of the film is "Never say die",  I'll use the characters to tell the story:

                                                               Mikey (Sean Astin)

Became a writer and had a moderate success with two series of adventure books for kids: Goonies and The Tales of One-Eyed Willie. But it's been five years since he published anything and is experiencing writer's block for the first time in his life.

                                                                  Brand (Josh Brolin)

He got married with his high school girlfriend, Andy, and they tried for years to have a child with no success. Thinking it's his fault he started drinking and Andy eventually kicked him out because of his problems with alcohol. He sells cars and asks Mikey if he can stay at his house for a while. When Mikey sees him like that, he forges a fake treasure map with some research he was doing for his next book and wants to reunite the old gang to cheer him up, Brand thinks it's rather stupid, but he's to wasted to argue.

                                                                 Chunk (Jeff Cohen)

After the cops shot Sloth to death thinking he was an out of control monster, Chunk lost his positive spirit and trusting nature. He also lost a lot of weight. He owns a strip club called the Truffle shuffle. When Mikey calls him him immediately says no.

                                              Mouth (Corey Haim... Feldman, I mean Feldman)

Became a local radio DJ, and he has a pretty decent fan base. He decides to go with Mikey and Brand to do a piece on treasure hunting, he carries a voice recorder and never shuts up.

                                                           Data (Jonathan Ke Quan)

He made a lot of money with the patents for some of his inventions, founded several companies but eventually grew bored of all of them, he now owns a company that makes iphone apps. He accepts the invitation to join the gang right away, he calls his secretary say he's not going to be available for a few days, puts on an overcoat and says he's very anxious to try some of his new inventions.

                                         The Fratelli brothers (Robert Davi and Joe Pantoliano)

 Mama Fratelli got the chair for murder and her two sons were next in line. But after the death of their mother, they escaped by killing two guards and wearing their clothes. Instead of hiding or fleeing, they decided to find the kids responsible for their mother's death and kill them. They eventually find them in the old mines where Mikey said the treasure was buried. Brand was calling Andy on his cell when they find them and start shooting. Brand asks for help.

                                                                 Andy (Kerri Green)

She eventually became a lawyer and got married to Brand. When he calls her she was with her friend Stef, not knowing why, she decides to take the call. Brand tells her he's with Data, Mouth and Mikey and he mentions the mine. That's when the Fratellis find the gang and start shooting at them, she asks Stef to help her and they go.

                                                                Stef (Martha Plimpton)

After college he got into politics, he had a fling with Mouth, she's very ashamed of that, especially because he keeps mentioning it in his radio show. She was visiting her friend Andy when she got Brand's call. Together they go get Chunk and head for the mine.

Then there will be a gun fight, more shenanigans with dynamite and one of the Goonies will get shot. Who? You'll have to watch the movie to find out.

Oh, and they find an actual treasure too.

Well, that was it. It's Oscar material, I'm telling you!

Until next time.

                                                                          In Memoriam